New Day

I have officially found the man of my prayers.
April 13, 2013 I embark on a new experience called "marriage".

ALLONS-Y!

Salt

This past week has been extremely hard. Family, church, work, and friends I felt like I was being pulled in every direction.

I've discovered a fear I didn't realize I had.
Marriage.
Why? I truly don't think anyone would want to settle down, I think I'm too much to handle, too quirky, and just all around different.
Also. I have a fear of becoming my father. It's who I've been reared by, it would make sense.
My last fear, is having children, and having me or my husband die and leave the family alone like my family. I don't want my family to go through that. It's not fair.

When my dad looked at me tonight and told me to grow up...I lost it.
I've helped pay the bills since I was 15 years old. I grew up a long time ago. I said goodbye to my childhood for the sake of my family.

Politics

Meh. I've over offending people and stepping on people's toes. I care A LOT about people but when it comes to issues that divide our country I stand firmly on what I believe is right.

Gay marriage - absolutely not.
Abortion - absolutely not.

I realize people don't see these as pressing issues or dividing issues but they are for me.

Adult life?

It's one of the scariest things to be 21 years old and have helped pay bills since you were 15 and were being raised by a father and helping raise yourself and 2 siblings.
I encountered a scarier moment however, finding my dads bank statement. If that isn't the cause of my stress nothing is.

I gave up college immediately after high school because I didn't want to put pressure on my dad. I worked and have been working since. I have nothing to show for it. My sister works maybe twice a week and only pays about $120 a month. I pay about $640. It's incredibly hard living this life.

After my mother, his wife, passed away I wanted to do all that could to help ease the pain, even though that meant taking on all responsibilities and part of the bills. I had no idea the amount of stress this was putting on my life.

I want to go to school. Make a life for myself, but I can't afford to when I help so much financial here at home.

I need God so badly.

The Butterfly Project

This is new.


The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.

2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.

3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.

4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.

5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.

6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.

7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them.

8.) If you do not cut by the time the butterfly wears off draw a heart on your other wrist showing you've conquered one more day. :)

I think this is great. I wish I would have had a way to try to conquer my struggle instead "just stop" because anyone who has ever had an addiction knows its not that easy.
I still struggle with anorexia and self mutilation.


So I'm joining in this. One for support for those who still on a regular basis cut, and two, for the stronger person I've become.

Make me stronger.

Warning: this will be a rant.


Well that didn't last long.
He was in and out real quick. Reasons why I don't date younger guys.
And why don't I realize all guys are the same? Should've known he was too good I be true. I wish I knew how to make myself deal with this in a healthy way. It's so hard to deny myself to cut.

I don't have time to let it phase me. I've got so much going on right now. I've got to deal with it quickly and move on to my next mountain. Which is probably an issue. I don't give myself time to deal.


Meh. Why start now?

Keep on keeping on.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

The Lord led me to this verse today, I was convicted because of something a I let harbor inside my heart and so I texted 2 girls I had a falling out with. Just apologizing and telling them I forgive them, letting them know I don't "hate" them and that I do pray and care for them. All I get back is "i pray for you too, and if you would look back through your texts you would see I never spoke an ill word against you and I don't understand why you stopped talking to me"
-I stopped talking to you because you did speak ill against me and jumped to conclusions.
So I did not text back.
The next girl sent back "what are you forgiving me for"
-oh Lord we gunna fight. Im not gunna lie, doing the right thing sucks and people look at you like you're prideful or trying to be better than them, when in reality I'm truly asking for forgiveness and forgiving them. I'm not trying to "out do" anyone.

I just try to love everyone no matte what kind of path our relationships have gone down.