Cross those tees.

Right now I'm in a season of wanting more and more of God, which is a season I should never leave.

The blessings I've been receiving in the past few months are more than I could ever imagine.
•a great job
•a Jesus loving guy
•peace
•finances
Just to name a few.

The blessings themselves aren't the reason for my joy, but the fact that my father in heaven has given them to me. The best one is the new passion and fire to know more about Him.

Collision with me, myself, and I.

I've put myself through a lot. After my mother died, my dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was always yelling, and losing his temper over the smallest things. I became terrified of anyone who would raise their voice. I felt like everything was my fault. I began taking it out on myself. I started drinking and doing drugs to keep my mind off of things, and when that didn't work I caused more harm. I stopped eating and also began cutting myself. It got to the point of if I ate I would cut on my stomach because I hated the way I looked, mind you at this time I was 16-17ish and weighed 98 pounds. If someone raises their voice, or my anxiety got bad I would slit my arm or even burn myself. I felt like that was the only way to "release" what I was feeling. Boy, was i wrong.

Because of that I have anxiety over just about everything and at 21 I'm still working on myself. I haven't self harmed myself in about 8 months. And I wake up everyday with the mindset of God has given me freedom and I don't have to walk under oppression.

Image.

I know that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I know I'm made in the image of God. Even with these facts, I still struggle with my image.

I weigh 116, I'm about 5 feet tall, my shirts are small, and my pants are a 3-5. Even with these facts I struggle with my image.

My sister is now a size zero. She came down from a 5 because she wasn't happy with her weight. My dad encouraged her to shed the pounds if she wasn't happy about the way she looked.

It's taken me years to accept and be happy with my curves and weight. When I told my sister my size tonight and continued to tell her I was happy she laughed and asked "why? you could be a zero."

Do I want to be a zero? WITH ALL MY HEART. I wake up every morning and make myself eat, I can easily slip back into my anerexic 95 pound days.

So now I'm trying to stay focused on what the word of God says about me. Not my family, or friends, or media. So could I be a zero? Yes. Would it be done in a healthy way? No.

9 years.

My mother passed away when I was eleven. It was 9 years ago, on her birthday. I can replay that day exactly how it happened.

It's new years eve, my mothers birthday. We wake up tell he happy birthday, that we love her, etc. My father informs us that we will be going over to our friends house to hang out for the day. Of course no arguments came from us. We spend all day baking, making jewelry, dressing up, four wheel riding, just being kids. :) we arrive home and there's quite a few cars in our driveway. We walk inside my mothers not in the living room. We walk into our bedroom and sit on my bed where the pastors of the church we had been attending met us. They explained that my mother had died that day. Uncontrollably we began sobbing asking why, wanting to say goodbye, and oh how confusion filled the room. After we semi got ourselves under control we walked into the living room and starred out of the window for hours with questions running through our heads.

Come to find out. The pastors lead her in a prayer of repentance, and the doctors did a procedure known as "assisted suicide" of a lethal injection. The woman that I loved so dearly was in so much pain, not all physical, it pained her for us to see her like this, not herself.

Cancer takes a tole on you and your family. It has changed us 100%.
As I finish this tears fill my eyes. I know I who I am and I know I'm as strong as I am because of her. And I thank God for allowing the time I had with her.