Wednesday, October 17, 2012

New Day

I have officially found the man of my prayers.
April 13, 2013 I embark on a new experience called "marriage".

ALLONS-Y!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Salt

This past week has been extremely hard. Family, church, work, and friends I felt like I was being pulled in every direction.

I've discovered a fear I didn't realize I had.
Marriage.
Why? I truly don't think anyone would want to settle down, I think I'm too much to handle, too quirky, and just all around different.
Also. I have a fear of becoming my father. It's who I've been reared by, it would make sense.
My last fear, is having children, and having me or my husband die and leave the family alone like my family. I don't want my family to go through that. It's not fair.

When my dad looked at me tonight and told me to grow up...I lost it.
I've helped pay the bills since I was 15 years old. I grew up a long time ago. I said goodbye to my childhood for the sake of my family.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Politics

Meh. I've over offending people and stepping on people's toes. I care A LOT about people but when it comes to issues that divide our country I stand firmly on what I believe is right.

Gay marriage - absolutely not.
Abortion - absolutely not.

I realize people don't see these as pressing issues or dividing issues but they are for me.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Adult life?

It's one of the scariest things to be 21 years old and have helped pay bills since you were 15 and were being raised by a father and helping raise yourself and 2 siblings.
I encountered a scarier moment however, finding my dads bank statement. If that isn't the cause of my stress nothing is.

I gave up college immediately after high school because I didn't want to put pressure on my dad. I worked and have been working since. I have nothing to show for it. My sister works maybe twice a week and only pays about $120 a month. I pay about $640. It's incredibly hard living this life.

After my mother, his wife, passed away I wanted to do all that could to help ease the pain, even though that meant taking on all responsibilities and part of the bills. I had no idea the amount of stress this was putting on my life.

I want to go to school. Make a life for myself, but I can't afford to when I help so much financial here at home.

I need God so badly.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Butterfly Project

This is new.


The Rules are:
1. When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker, pen, or sharpies and draw a butterfly on your arm or hand.

2. Name the butterfly after a loved one, or someone that really wants you to get better.

3. You must let the butterfly fade naturally. NO scrubbing it off.

4. If you cut before the butterfly is gone, you’ve killed it. If you dont cut, it lives.

5. If you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills all of them.

6. Another person may draw them on you. These butterflies are extra special. Take good care of them.

7. Even if you don’t cut, feel free to draw a butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do this, name it after someone you know that cuts or is suffering right now, and tell them.

8.) If you do not cut by the time the butterfly wears off draw a heart on your other wrist showing you've conquered one more day. :)

I think this is great. I wish I would have had a way to try to conquer my struggle instead "just stop" because anyone who has ever had an addiction knows its not that easy.
I still struggle with anorexia and self mutilation.


So I'm joining in this. One for support for those who still on a regular basis cut, and two, for the stronger person I've become.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Make me stronger.

Warning: this will be a rant.


Well that didn't last long.
He was in and out real quick. Reasons why I don't date younger guys.
And why don't I realize all guys are the same? Should've known he was too good I be true. I wish I knew how to make myself deal with this in a healthy way. It's so hard to deny myself to cut.

I don't have time to let it phase me. I've got so much going on right now. I've got to deal with it quickly and move on to my next mountain. Which is probably an issue. I don't give myself time to deal.


Meh. Why start now?

Keep on keeping on.

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

The Lord led me to this verse today, I was convicted because of something a I let harbor inside my heart and so I texted 2 girls I had a falling out with. Just apologizing and telling them I forgive them, letting them know I don't "hate" them and that I do pray and care for them. All I get back is "i pray for you too, and if you would look back through your texts you would see I never spoke an ill word against you and I don't understand why you stopped talking to me"
-I stopped talking to you because you did speak ill against me and jumped to conclusions.
So I did not text back.
The next girl sent back "what are you forgiving me for"
-oh Lord we gunna fight. Im not gunna lie, doing the right thing sucks and people look at you like you're prideful or trying to be better than them, when in reality I'm truly asking for forgiveness and forgiving them. I'm not trying to "out do" anyone.

I just try to love everyone no matte what kind of path our relationships have gone down.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sunflowers

I hate being so small and people thinking they can run me over.
I hate knowing at any moment I could get a call telling me my grandfather has died.
I hate seeing my dad get drink after drink and girl after girl looking for happiness.
I hate not being able to communicate with my downsyndrome brother.
I hate knowing I'll never see my mother again.
I hate that my brother and sister I do live with treat me more as a mother.
I hate that I haven't had a summer break since I was 14.
I hated missing out on my teenage years because I was taking care of my household.
I hate that at 21 I can't live on my own because the bills I help my family pay are more than my rent would be.
I hate that even alone I don't let myself cry.
I hate that I hate showing weakness, even when it's JUST ME.

I do, however, love the Lord enough to walk in His plan all the days of my life.


Monday, January 30, 2012

Cross those tees.

Right now I'm in a season of wanting more and more of God, which is a season I should never leave.

The blessings I've been receiving in the past few months are more than I could ever imagine.
•a great job
•a Jesus loving guy
•peace
•finances
Just to name a few.

The blessings themselves aren't the reason for my joy, but the fact that my father in heaven has given them to me. The best one is the new passion and fire to know more about Him.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Collision with me, myself, and I.

I've put myself through a lot. After my mother died, my dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He was always yelling, and losing his temper over the smallest things. I became terrified of anyone who would raise their voice. I felt like everything was my fault. I began taking it out on myself. I started drinking and doing drugs to keep my mind off of things, and when that didn't work I caused more harm. I stopped eating and also began cutting myself. It got to the point of if I ate I would cut on my stomach because I hated the way I looked, mind you at this time I was 16-17ish and weighed 98 pounds. If someone raises their voice, or my anxiety got bad I would slit my arm or even burn myself. I felt like that was the only way to "release" what I was feeling. Boy, was i wrong.

Because of that I have anxiety over just about everything and at 21 I'm still working on myself. I haven't self harmed myself in about 8 months. And I wake up everyday with the mindset of God has given me freedom and I don't have to walk under oppression.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Image.

I know that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I know I'm made in the image of God. Even with these facts, I still struggle with my image.

I weigh 116, I'm about 5 feet tall, my shirts are small, and my pants are a 3-5. Even with these facts I struggle with my image.

My sister is now a size zero. She came down from a 5 because she wasn't happy with her weight. My dad encouraged her to shed the pounds if she wasn't happy about the way she looked.

It's taken me years to accept and be happy with my curves and weight. When I told my sister my size tonight and continued to tell her I was happy she laughed and asked "why? you could be a zero."

Do I want to be a zero? WITH ALL MY HEART. I wake up every morning and make myself eat, I can easily slip back into my anerexic 95 pound days.

So now I'm trying to stay focused on what the word of God says about me. Not my family, or friends, or media. So could I be a zero? Yes. Would it be done in a healthy way? No.

Monday, January 2, 2012

9 years.

My mother passed away when I was eleven. It was 9 years ago, on her birthday. I can replay that day exactly how it happened.

It's new years eve, my mothers birthday. We wake up tell he happy birthday, that we love her, etc. My father informs us that we will be going over to our friends house to hang out for the day. Of course no arguments came from us. We spend all day baking, making jewelry, dressing up, four wheel riding, just being kids. :) we arrive home and there's quite a few cars in our driveway. We walk inside my mothers not in the living room. We walk into our bedroom and sit on my bed where the pastors of the church we had been attending met us. They explained that my mother had died that day. Uncontrollably we began sobbing asking why, wanting to say goodbye, and oh how confusion filled the room. After we semi got ourselves under control we walked into the living room and starred out of the window for hours with questions running through our heads.

Come to find out. The pastors lead her in a prayer of repentance, and the doctors did a procedure known as "assisted suicide" of a lethal injection. The woman that I loved so dearly was in so much pain, not all physical, it pained her for us to see her like this, not herself.

Cancer takes a tole on you and your family. It has changed us 100%.
As I finish this tears fill my eyes. I know I who I am and I know I'm as strong as I am because of her. And I thank God for allowing the time I had with her.